Ranting

So I've been needing to rant lately but have no one to rant to so I've been storing them up in my notes... Time to let it all out:

And I sat there in the middle of a dirty kitchen. And thought. Has my life just been going in a downward spiral? My grades are gone my friends are almost gone I don't know if I ever had my family... I don't even have myself. I feel so empty and without a future. The only future i can see for myself is scary and makes me want to cry and not make it until that future. It's amazing how life can be almost perfect and then be a mess that seems unfixable. I think everything goes wrong at the same time because life and everyone in it hates me. I don't like who I am right now and I don't want to be this person or have this life. I wish there was an exit. I wish I knew myself or was sure of what i believed. I wish I could be nicer to people. I wish I wasn't so awkward and had more confidence. I wish I wasn't so hated. I've always dreaded the future for a reason since the future has never been better than the past and I don't think it ever will be. But then again diamonds are found in the ugliest rocks and there just may be a happy ending around the corner. Can't bail on life now can I? Gotta see it all the way through the end in case of a nice surprise. I've come those far. And the worst that could happen is more pain.

I MISS THEM

No matter how much I stay in the past and hold on to things and people, everyone else moves on. When I lost everyone they only lost one friend and moved on with everyone else. And I can't do anything about it. I can only keep missing them more and more and hope that sometimes they remember me. That I was special to them at one point. New people come into my life but I always want the old ones. I would trade everything for them. It hurts everyday when I feel so alone and they have all but completely forgotten about me. They'll always hold a special place in my heart and love will remember. 

And here I am dying because I need them but they don't need me they never needed me I am nothing to them. It kills me because I lost everything. And I try to talk but I'm the only one trying now and it's hard but it's harder not to but If I don't they definitely don't try so the struggle on whether to reach out and talk is so hard since I don't think they remember me or want to talk to me at all because I'm me and annoying and mean and boring and I am nothing, not to anyone.

I spend my whole life in denial. Immature always joking never serious. But im dead on the inside and I hate it. But denial is what I do best.

My thoughts are scattered all around the place I know but there they are. I'm done.