Confessions

My parents raised me. They cared for me when I was little, through thick and thin. I know this. I know how much they have done for me. I know I should respect them, listen to them, be polite to them. But I also know how much they have done to me. And for some reason bad memories stick with me stronger than any of the good ones. The times I felt like crying, when looking at my dad brought me such a strong feeling of disgust... when I looked at my mom and wondered how could a person even be that shallow, that un-understanding. They cared about me apparently, but yet they didn't care if i was happy or not. I don't think my mom or dad deserves how I act towards them but I don't deserve how they act towards me either. And neither of us are changing. Some people don't fit right together... couples break up, friends separate, parents divorce... but what if it doesn't work out with your parents. I can't leave. I'm 15. And 3 years seem so far away and so iffy as to if I can even make it that far. I need money to survive, I need a plan. All my plans lead to dead ends. When my parents want me to go to college in another country what am I supposed to do? I turn 18 a month after I start college. There is no leg room, no space in between for me to make a bold move and leave. They don't want me to get a job, they probably won't let me. I'll have no where to get money from. I think everyone would be better off if I was out of this house. I don't hate these people but I don't like being with them. And I can't be with them. I see my future living here and it's something I really don't want. It's a life i'm scared of living. It's a life that I never want to live. I work hard at school only to get into a good college but I don't know what use that would be anymore. I don't know whether my trying in school is useless now or not... And it's so hard to keep trying when it all seems for nothing. If i'm not gonna get a job anyways what's the point? I don't like who I've become exactly, but it is who I am and no matter how much I try to change it, it always resurfaces inside of me. I can keep trying to change it and live a lie for the rest of my life, or embrace who I am and act on it. I'm scared of all the consequences. Getting where you want is never easy but I don't know how far I'm willing to take it. So basically I have no idea what to do with my life and I don't know what I want or how to get there or what to do... all I know is I don't want this and I can't live like this and I have to do something I have to get out of this lifestyle before it's to late. I have to escape some how, I just have to figure it out. On the bright side I still have three years so there's that. Lots of time to keep planning. In the mean time I just have to grit my teeth and make it through, and keep my grades up just in case, and just hope.

Ranting

So I've been needing to rant lately but have no one to rant to so I've been storing them up in my notes... Time to let it all out:

And I sat there in the middle of a dirty kitchen. And thought. Has my life just been going in a downward spiral? My grades are gone my friends are almost gone I don't know if I ever had my family... I don't even have myself. I feel so empty and without a future. The only future i can see for myself is scary and makes me want to cry and not make it until that future. It's amazing how life can be almost perfect and then be a mess that seems unfixable. I think everything goes wrong at the same time because life and everyone in it hates me. I don't like who I am right now and I don't want to be this person or have this life. I wish there was an exit. I wish I knew myself or was sure of what i believed. I wish I could be nicer to people. I wish I wasn't so awkward and had more confidence. I wish I wasn't so hated. I've always dreaded the future for a reason since the future has never been better than the past and I don't think it ever will be. But then again diamonds are found in the ugliest rocks and there just may be a happy ending around the corner. Can't bail on life now can I? Gotta see it all the way through the end in case of a nice surprise. I've come those far. And the worst that could happen is more pain.

I MISS THEM

No matter how much I stay in the past and hold on to things and people, everyone else moves on. When I lost everyone they only lost one friend and moved on with everyone else. And I can't do anything about it. I can only keep missing them more and more and hope that sometimes they remember me. That I was special to them at one point. New people come into my life but I always want the old ones. I would trade everything for them. It hurts everyday when I feel so alone and they have all but completely forgotten about me. They'll always hold a special place in my heart and love will remember. 

And here I am dying because I need them but they don't need me they never needed me I am nothing to them. It kills me because I lost everything. And I try to talk but I'm the only one trying now and it's hard but it's harder not to but If I don't they definitely don't try so the struggle on whether to reach out and talk is so hard since I don't think they remember me or want to talk to me at all because I'm me and annoying and mean and boring and I am nothing, not to anyone.

I spend my whole life in denial. Immature always joking never serious. But im dead on the inside and I hate it. But denial is what I do best.

My thoughts are scattered all around the place I know but there they are. I'm done. 

Teens

Everyone has a tragic story in there life. I feel like i had mine though i probably didn't since i'm only 14. Still just a child.  A confused teen who knows nothing about life or it's true difficulties. Same teen problems everyone faces, though each problem is different in their own ways. Boy problems, friend problems, family problem.... the list goes on. Haha no one ever said life was easy so how can we expect it to ever be. We can only fight our way through it. If you've never once thought about self harm or suicide or drugs or anything like that, then you my friend are one remarkable person. Because it's hard in this world. In this environment. To stay sane and innocent and happy. I have my own problems as i know everyone else has there own. But i know that every problem, no matter how difficult it is, can be endured. I mean life can always get better if you don't kill yourself. No need to cause yourself more pain with self harm. No need to make your life get even worse with drugs. There's always a better solution. Always. Just find the solution that works for you. Because i promise you. I promise, that if i could get through it then anyone can. Because it took a little bit of trying for me... maybe a little bit less and a little but more for some of you. And you think everyone says they care but no one actually does so whats the point. But the truth is SOMEONE... anyone.... always does. Always. So think. When you feel broken and lost. It's part of life. Of everyone's life. No one is safe from it. No on has the perfect fantasy. All good endings in fairytales come with the hardest life in the beginning... so who knows. There may be a fairytale out there for you yet. So go find it. And know that the storm always passes. The sun always rises. There is an end to the pain. I'm still waiting. But i know it's coming. We're all in this together. <3

*Stay... Just Stay
--Sierra Yu

Lost and Scared

   I haven't written anything for a long time... its been a rough couple of months. High school's first year ending. A lot going on. Been kinda depressed. Its summer now and i'm away from home. I'm so lost in life right now and confused. I've been making my worse mistake again and shutting people off when i don't want to. I can't help it. It's what I do. I feel like a terrible person all the time. I need to find who i am. But i never seem to have the right chance....
   I think i'm finding my way and getting there but in reality im only getting more and more confused with my life. I'm a bad person and i could be fine with that if i wasn't always guilty. So many different things and people influence me and my thoughts confusing me so much. Im so sick and tired of it. Of people. Of not being given freedom. Of not being able to be as good, as pure as everyone else.
    I want to cry. My way through life is whenever i come in a situation i don't like or cant handle i go in denial. It's not working now. I try not to think about it but its looming over me all the time. And when the rain finally comes and nothing worse can happen the hail comes.... and there's always worse that i know CAN come....It hurts and I'm scared.
   I've been hurt so much. And it's like people hit me when i'm already hurting so much. 
   I sometimes think i should stop making friends because i have to lose all of them in the end. It's not worth it. 
  People have changed me. I dont know my future but what's likely in it i dont want. I try hard to pull through every single day... i dont know why but i just promised myself i always would no matter what. 
   I'm not a good person. I'm not nice. I'm not religious or pure. I have a temper. I shut people out. I'm clingy an annoying at the same time. I get hurt too easily. I'm sensitive. I shout. I'm insensitive. I'm rebellious. I lose hope but always fight back. I'm not easy to argue with. I cry quickly. I need someone but always push them away. I'm moody. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm still trying to find me.
  So we'll see what happens in the future. Hopefully life gets easier like ive been wishing for years. Though it always seems to get harder. Let's cross our fingers because all we can do is hope and pray and leave the rest to fate.

*Be Found
-- Sierra Yu

Bridgit Mendler

I am so happy right now because I just met BRIDGIT MENDLER. She is on my top 10 people to meet list. I felt so V.I.P. because my friend won tickets and only like 30 people were there. She is amazing, awesome, fun, sweet, nice, beautiful, creative, relatable, and REAL. She isn't fake at all. She seems so genuine. I love her and all her movies (Lemonade Mouth, The Clique, Good Luck Charlie: It's Christmas) and in Good Luck Charlie and in Wizards of Waverly Place where I first saw her! She answered my question and was so sweet and her interview and singing kept me smiling the whole time. When she talked about anything I felt like I could relate. I just wanted to be her best friend. If I left after like 10 hours it still wouldn't have been enough time with her. She is just so fun and free. In real life and in her music and videos. She just has fun and expresses herself and doesn't seem super self conscious. She was so supportive and nice to EVERYONE and encouraging. She made me so happy and I wish I could meet her again already. Not enough people know her music even though she should be SUPER FAMOUS with a voice like she has. AHHH i can't get over the fact that i ACTUALLY just met her! It feels unreal like a dream. Like all those times i imagined how I would be when meeting her but it was REAL. She has been in so many things but not enough people recognize her brilliance and the spark and light in her. She SHINES. I feel like jumping around on unicorns. I'm THAT happy right now. She was so amazing yet normal. AFGJFHLKJFH Words can't describe her. Wait. Yes they can. Like in the 4th sentence. BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, AWESOME, ROLEMODEL, SWEET, NICE, FUN, PLAYFUL, GENUINE, REAL, SPECTACULAR, INSPIRING. And add a SUPER before all of the words and there you have it folks. BRIDGIT MENDLER!


*Stay My Role Model If You See This
-- Sierra Yu

Grrrrr.....

Sometimes I get so angry. My throat closes up and my hands clench and my eyes water. And I might let that anger get to me later when I think about that thing. The anger just bubbles in my chest and... sits there. People are just so frustrating. I HATE PEOPLE. They talk and are oblivious to everything and they are selfish and mean and inconsiderate and fake and... UGGGHHH. Why am I a person because that means I'm just like this? We don't even remember what someone did for us and we just like who we want to no matter how who treats us. Someone else tries to be so nice but we ignore everything they do. It's so sad. It makes me angry. All of us people should be BETTER. Including me. If we all just cared more.... sigh. What can we do? 


*Stay Calm and Stay Kind
-- Sierra Yu

The Hungry Ones

Hungry Ones Lyrics

Somewhere in a place close by, there’s a mother with child with tears in her eyes
Somewhere else there a boy on street with no food there to eat and he trying to survive
Another place theres father of five but he can’t get food cause the bombs in the sky
Somewhere there’s senior now who is all out of food and her car won’t drive

But we take this food were blessed with, and we throw it half away
We see there’s so much wasted, that could help so much today
Cause I know we take for granted, a warm meal, clean cup to drink
This silver plate we’re handed, maybe once we should stop and think

[chorus]
We don’t know where the hungry ones have to go.
We don’t see what hungry ones have to eat
We don’t feel what the hungry ones feel at night
And we don’t hear, when they pray everything’s gonna be alright

Be alright, Be alright,
I’m gonna try to help things be alright.

So that mother she’ll beg on the street to get something to eat, so her baby wont cry
And the kid he will search through the garbage of food we discarded, just to get by
And the father sprints through explosions just to get a loaf and praying he wont die
And the senior walks to a shop, yo for over 10 block in the middle of the night!

So few have our luxury, to have food any kind of way
So many now would love to be, just able to have one meal a day
But we act so wastefully, God knows how our day will end
and how honored their place will be, he hears when they pray to him.
pray to him, pray to him, he hears when they pray to him.

[chorus]

This is so true and sad. We all do this and we don't even stop to think about the other people out there in the world. There are wars going on and people who live on the streets. We shouldn't waste food and be ungrateful. Think about the hungry ones out there.

*Stay Grateful

--Sierra Yu

Twitter

Hey I made a Twitter.... follow me @xxsierrayuxx  if you want to. I'm so sick of school and everything right now. I'm not even going to sign this post. :)

Masks

   I think i'm fine for a couple of days, but at night, listening to music with the lights off, when the tears come back again, and I sob just loud enough for me to hear, I know i'm not. I just put another mask up, this time in front of my own eyes. I'm just so tired of life. It's like a maze that doesn't have a way out and every move I make leads to another dead end.

*Stay Persistent 
--Sierra Yu

Love

    Love. I don't know what people want. Money, happiness, freedom, equality, health, fame, knowledge, beauty, popularity, power, love.... 
   I'm such a big fan of fairy tales. Maybe because I wish for a happily ever after. I want freedom, happiness, and most of all LOVE. True love. Does it exist? Is it real? Those aren't the questions.... Can I have it?
   Crushes, likes, that kinda stuff isn't the same as love. Not love at first sight but growing in to love. Someone who's your best friend. There's nothing more in the world I want than to be truly loved by someone for who I am. Someone who understands me. Someone who cares. Someone who wants to make me happy and someone I want to make happy. 
   No one's perfect but if you love someone you'll work to have them through their imperfections. I hope everyone find their true love someday. Their missing half. Their happiness.



*Stay in Love
--Sierra Yu