Ranting

So I've been needing to rant lately but have no one to rant to so I've been storing them up in my notes... Time to let it all out:

And I sat there in the middle of a dirty kitchen. And thought. Has my life just been going in a downward spiral? My grades are gone my friends are almost gone I don't know if I ever had my family... I don't even have myself. I feel so empty and without a future. The only future i can see for myself is scary and makes me want to cry and not make it until that future. It's amazing how life can be almost perfect and then be a mess that seems unfixable. I think everything goes wrong at the same time because life and everyone in it hates me. I don't like who I am right now and I don't want to be this person or have this life. I wish there was an exit. I wish I knew myself or was sure of what i believed. I wish I could be nicer to people. I wish I wasn't so awkward and had more confidence. I wish I wasn't so hated. I've always dreaded the future for a reason since the future has never been better than the past and I don't think it ever will be. But then again diamonds are found in the ugliest rocks and there just may be a happy ending around the corner. Can't bail on life now can I? Gotta see it all the way through the end in case of a nice surprise. I've come those far. And the worst that could happen is more pain.

I MISS THEM

No matter how much I stay in the past and hold on to things and people, everyone else moves on. When I lost everyone they only lost one friend and moved on with everyone else. And I can't do anything about it. I can only keep missing them more and more and hope that sometimes they remember me. That I was special to them at one point. New people come into my life but I always want the old ones. I would trade everything for them. It hurts everyday when I feel so alone and they have all but completely forgotten about me. They'll always hold a special place in my heart and love will remember. 

And here I am dying because I need them but they don't need me they never needed me I am nothing to them. It kills me because I lost everything. And I try to talk but I'm the only one trying now and it's hard but it's harder not to but If I don't they definitely don't try so the struggle on whether to reach out and talk is so hard since I don't think they remember me or want to talk to me at all because I'm me and annoying and mean and boring and I am nothing, not to anyone.

I spend my whole life in denial. Immature always joking never serious. But im dead on the inside and I hate it. But denial is what I do best.

My thoughts are scattered all around the place I know but there they are. I'm done. 

Teens

Everyone has a tragic story in there life. I feel like i had mine though i probably didn't since i'm only 14. Still just a child.  A confused teen who knows nothing about life or it's true difficulties. Same teen problems everyone faces, though each problem is different in their own ways. Boy problems, friend problems, family problem.... the list goes on. Haha no one ever said life was easy so how can we expect it to ever be. We can only fight our way through it. If you've never once thought about self harm or suicide or drugs or anything like that, then you my friend are one remarkable person. Because it's hard in this world. In this environment. To stay sane and innocent and happy. I have my own problems as i know everyone else has there own. But i know that every problem, no matter how difficult it is, can be endured. I mean life can always get better if you don't kill yourself. No need to cause yourself more pain with self harm. No need to make your life get even worse with drugs. There's always a better solution. Always. Just find the solution that works for you. Because i promise you. I promise, that if i could get through it then anyone can. Because it took a little bit of trying for me... maybe a little bit less and a little but more for some of you. And you think everyone says they care but no one actually does so whats the point. But the truth is SOMEONE... anyone.... always does. Always. So think. When you feel broken and lost. It's part of life. Of everyone's life. No one is safe from it. No on has the perfect fantasy. All good endings in fairytales come with the hardest life in the beginning... so who knows. There may be a fairytale out there for you yet. So go find it. And know that the storm always passes. The sun always rises. There is an end to the pain. I'm still waiting. But i know it's coming. We're all in this together. <3

*Stay... Just Stay
--Sierra Yu

Lost and Scared

   I haven't written anything for a long time... its been a rough couple of months. High school's first year ending. A lot going on. Been kinda depressed. Its summer now and i'm away from home. I'm so lost in life right now and confused. I've been making my worse mistake again and shutting people off when i don't want to. I can't help it. It's what I do. I feel like a terrible person all the time. I need to find who i am. But i never seem to have the right chance....
   I think i'm finding my way and getting there but in reality im only getting more and more confused with my life. I'm a bad person and i could be fine with that if i wasn't always guilty. So many different things and people influence me and my thoughts confusing me so much. Im so sick and tired of it. Of people. Of not being given freedom. Of not being able to be as good, as pure as everyone else.
    I want to cry. My way through life is whenever i come in a situation i don't like or cant handle i go in denial. It's not working now. I try not to think about it but its looming over me all the time. And when the rain finally comes and nothing worse can happen the hail comes.... and there's always worse that i know CAN come....It hurts and I'm scared.
   I've been hurt so much. And it's like people hit me when i'm already hurting so much. 
   I sometimes think i should stop making friends because i have to lose all of them in the end. It's not worth it. 
  People have changed me. I dont know my future but what's likely in it i dont want. I try hard to pull through every single day... i dont know why but i just promised myself i always would no matter what. 
   I'm not a good person. I'm not nice. I'm not religious or pure. I have a temper. I shut people out. I'm clingy an annoying at the same time. I get hurt too easily. I'm sensitive. I shout. I'm insensitive. I'm rebellious. I lose hope but always fight back. I'm not easy to argue with. I cry quickly. I need someone but always push them away. I'm moody. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm still trying to find me.
  So we'll see what happens in the future. Hopefully life gets easier like ive been wishing for years. Though it always seems to get harder. Let's cross our fingers because all we can do is hope and pray and leave the rest to fate.

*Be Found
-- Sierra Yu