Lost and Scared

   I haven't written anything for a long time... its been a rough couple of months. High school's first year ending. A lot going on. Been kinda depressed. Its summer now and i'm away from home. I'm so lost in life right now and confused. I've been making my worse mistake again and shutting people off when i don't want to. I can't help it. It's what I do. I feel like a terrible person all the time. I need to find who i am. But i never seem to have the right chance....
   I think i'm finding my way and getting there but in reality im only getting more and more confused with my life. I'm a bad person and i could be fine with that if i wasn't always guilty. So many different things and people influence me and my thoughts confusing me so much. Im so sick and tired of it. Of people. Of not being given freedom. Of not being able to be as good, as pure as everyone else.
    I want to cry. My way through life is whenever i come in a situation i don't like or cant handle i go in denial. It's not working now. I try not to think about it but its looming over me all the time. And when the rain finally comes and nothing worse can happen the hail comes.... and there's always worse that i know CAN come....It hurts and I'm scared.
   I've been hurt so much. And it's like people hit me when i'm already hurting so much. 
   I sometimes think i should stop making friends because i have to lose all of them in the end. It's not worth it. 
  People have changed me. I dont know my future but what's likely in it i dont want. I try hard to pull through every single day... i dont know why but i just promised myself i always would no matter what. 
   I'm not a good person. I'm not nice. I'm not religious or pure. I have a temper. I shut people out. I'm clingy an annoying at the same time. I get hurt too easily. I'm sensitive. I shout. I'm insensitive. I'm rebellious. I lose hope but always fight back. I'm not easy to argue with. I cry quickly. I need someone but always push them away. I'm moody. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm still trying to find me.
  So we'll see what happens in the future. Hopefully life gets easier like ive been wishing for years. Though it always seems to get harder. Let's cross our fingers because all we can do is hope and pray and leave the rest to fate.

*Be Found
-- Sierra Yu