Confessions

My parents raised me. They cared for me when I was little, through thick and thin. I know this. I know how much they have done for me. I know I should respect them, listen to them, be polite to them. But I also know how much they have done to me. And for some reason bad memories stick with me stronger than any of the good ones. The times I felt like crying, when looking at my dad brought me such a strong feeling of disgust... when I looked at my mom and wondered how could a person even be that shallow, that un-understanding. They cared about me apparently, but yet they didn't care if i was happy or not. I don't think my mom or dad deserves how I act towards them but I don't deserve how they act towards me either. And neither of us are changing. Some people don't fit right together... couples break up, friends separate, parents divorce... but what if it doesn't work out with your parents. I can't leave. I'm 15. And 3 years seem so far away and so iffy as to if I can even make it that far. I need money to survive, I need a plan. All my plans lead to dead ends. When my parents want me to go to college in another country what am I supposed to do? I turn 18 a month after I start college. There is no leg room, no space in between for me to make a bold move and leave. They don't want me to get a job, they probably won't let me. I'll have no where to get money from. I think everyone would be better off if I was out of this house. I don't hate these people but I don't like being with them. And I can't be with them. I see my future living here and it's something I really don't want. It's a life i'm scared of living. It's a life that I never want to live. I work hard at school only to get into a good college but I don't know what use that would be anymore. I don't know whether my trying in school is useless now or not... And it's so hard to keep trying when it all seems for nothing. If i'm not gonna get a job anyways what's the point? I don't like who I've become exactly, but it is who I am and no matter how much I try to change it, it always resurfaces inside of me. I can keep trying to change it and live a lie for the rest of my life, or embrace who I am and act on it. I'm scared of all the consequences. Getting where you want is never easy but I don't know how far I'm willing to take it. So basically I have no idea what to do with my life and I don't know what I want or how to get there or what to do... all I know is I don't want this and I can't live like this and I have to do something I have to get out of this lifestyle before it's to late. I have to escape some how, I just have to figure it out. On the bright side I still have three years so there's that. Lots of time to keep planning. In the mean time I just have to grit my teeth and make it through, and keep my grades up just in case, and just hope.