Pointless Living

    I just started high school this year and you would think that it would make you understand life more and what you're going to do with it. I'm more lost and confused than ever before. What is my purpose in life. I feel so POINTLESS!
    And my friends.... they hand out with me but kinda leave me. I stopped talking and they asked if something was wrong, but if i do talk i feel like they don't even care. I went into my dark hole and wasn't coming out. I felt like something was wrong with me like i was depressed or something. I had to give myself a reason to live. 
    I'm not going to live for myself. I'm going to live for other people. If i can't change my life or my fate, I should stop being selfish and help OTHER people. People have it was worse than me. I'm not saying i have it good, but at least i have something. 
   I'm a little better but something always brings you down. I feel like i can't tell my friends anything. You know the best friend you tell everything to? Well i don't have one of those so my heart is breaking inside of me because of all the pain i'm keeping in for years. But if i tell anyone ANYTHING i feel like they will judge me.  I should be able to tell my friends anything, but i'm not. I wish I could sometimes... and sometimes i'm about to, but then they do something to make me feel like they couldn't care less about my sob story. I've needed someone to cry on these years but I've had no one.  And i keep thinking things will get better, they have to! But they never do. Life feels so monotonous and pointless and frustrating  Like i don't even have a life. What's the point of anything anymore? 
   I kinda told my friend part of something and how i felt like my friends were leaving me alone over email, but now at school I feel like the only reason she waits for me to catch up or something is because i told her. I feel like she's trying to hard. 
   This is what I keep doing... Describing how something's bothering me, but not saying exactly what. Because I just can't... My hole is too deep and i can only throw a little sand out not. I just can't come out myself yet. I'm not ready. Maybe i'll never be. 

*Stay Alive
--Sierra Yu